Jak jsem přišel o řidičák
Brigáda v Chorvatsku
26. 11. 2021
Strasti běžce během přípravy na půlmaraton
9. 10. 2022
Jak jsem přišel o řidičák
V roce dva tisíce čtyři mám od triatlonu volné léto díky dopingové stopce. (Po deseti letech nezávodím.) Několik měsíců trávím na Key Westu, kde si vydělávám prací slušné peníze. Denně okolo čtyři sta dolarů hotově udělá s mladým klukem své. Můžu si koupit, co chci, utratit kolik chci, protože druhý den vydělám další. Zvažuju, že tu zůstanu natrvalo. Nakonec mně chuť pokračovat ve sportovní kariéře pomůže se rozhodnout. Přemýšlím, kdy se vrátit do Čech. Každý den jsou peníze.
Náhoda tomu chtěla a začátkem října se ženil můj kamarád. Mám jasno. Tam musím být. Bookuji letenku s příletem den před svatbou. Časový posun se mnou udělal své, přesto dopoledne čekám na svou myrtu před radnicí. Během gratulace po obřadu mi ženich dojatě děkuje, že jsem přiletěl. Už se nemůžu dočkat večírku.
Vše se seběhlo poměrně rychle a svatebčané mizí na slavnostní oběd, kam nejsem k mému překvapení pozván. Vyrážím domů dospat jet lag a čekám na zprávu ohledně místa svatební party. Šest hodin pryč a žádné info. Chopím se iniciativy a zjišťuji, kdeže se nachází to novomanželské ejchuchů. K mému zděšení nefiguruji ani na tomto seznamu pozvaných. Moje uraženost v tu chvíli dosahuje maxima: „Letím za ním přes půlku světa a hajzl mě ani nepozve.“ (No popravdě mi začínala taky další vejška.)
V osm hodin mi volá ženich, ať dorazím, že vázne zábava. Přes veškerou ješitnost se chci dnes večer bavit. Vyrážím autem, abych dorazil co nejrychleji. Během první hodiny provedu na parketu všechny babičky, tety, sestřenice a jako bavič se osvědčuji.
Komplikace začínají ve chvíli, kdy se jako vrcholový sportovci začínáme hecovat, kdo vypije víc a rychleji. Večer běží a do oka mi padá nádherná slečna. (Až později se dozvídám, že dcera majitele). Proběhne několik tanců a vše běží, jak má. Na chvíli si odpočinu a opřu se o pult na obědové tácy. (Večírek probíhal ve školní jídelně.) Přiskakuje ke mně majitel: „Tady stát nemůžeš.“ Sděluje mi nevybíravě. „A proč?“ Bráním svoji svobodu. „Protože jsem to řekl.“ Jako by do mě píchnul. „Tohle pro mě není argument.“ A už to jelo.
Za chvilku stojím mezi dveřmi, kde mě kamarádi uklidňují a dávají bundu s doporučením jít se domů vyspat. Takhle „nasraný“ už jsem dlouho nebyl. Zaslepen pocitem bezpráví, pln americké volnosti s „neomezenými“ finančními možnostmi, sahám do kapsy, kde nahmatávám klíče od auta. „Na všechny tady kašlu. Můžete mi políbit…Jedu se někam bavit, zm…“
Následující řádky popisují události, za které se i po letech stydím. Díky tomu, že se nikomu nic nestalo a já dostal lekci z poctivosti, jdou snad popsat i jako poměrně úsměvná epizoda s prvky fikce. Historii už nezměním. Třeba ale pomůže, aby se někdo jiný takové chybě vyvaroval.
Vrávoravým krokem dojdu k autu. Mám problém trefit zámek. Nastupování je disciplína na několik minut. (Celou tuhle etudu pozorují policisté z auta zaparkovaného kousek dál v ulici.) Nastartování probíhá hladce. Vyrážím směr centrum. Při vyjíždění z parkovacího místa lehce odírám bok auta před mnou. Po sto metrech jízdy míjím kamarády stojící u vchodu do školní jídelny. Za sebou zpozoruji blikat policejní auto. Jasný signál – zrychli a ujeď. Snáz se řekne, než udělá, když váš vůz disponuje výkonem čtyřiceti kilowat.
Po chvilce manévrování vjíždím do jednosměrky, pochopitelně do protisměru. Cestu mi blokují dvě blikající policejní auta. Asi diskotéka. Nezbývá než zastavit. Z auta spíše vypadnu, než vystoupím, ale okamžitě pokládám policistům otázku, jestli ví, kdo jsem? Bez viditelné reakce mě dávají dýchnout. Měním taktiku a začínám vyhrožovat jejich vyhozením z policejního sboru. (Někdy rok po této události náhodou narazím na zasahujícího policistu, který mě pozná a ochotně připomene moje štěstí, že vedoucí zásahu, postarší kliďas, zabránil kolegům úpravě mojí drzé fasády).
V hlavě mi to šrotuje. Můžu jim přece utéct, ještě nemají mojí občanku. Počítám si pro sebe do tří a bleskurychle odbíhám pryč. Policista zvedá ruku rychlostí lenochoda a přesto mě stihá v mém úprku chytit. Evidentně moje reakce neatakuje světový startovní rekord. Se slovy: „Kam pak chlapečku,“ mi vráží do ruky trubičku na dýchání.
Při dechové zkoušce se řídím radou mého strejdy. „Dýchej jen čistý vzduch z pusy. Hlavně ne z plic.“ Díky této radě vytáčím policisty k nepříčetnosti ještě víc, neboť nejsem schopný balónek nafouknout. (Na památku mně zůstalo v autě cca deset plastových náhubků.)
Po mnoha marných pokusech mě odváží směr pohotovost na odběr krve. K mé „radosti“ drží stříkačku maminka mého kamaráda. Díky tomu moji známí ví o mé eskapádě dříve, než si ji sám uvědomím. Práce policejní hlídky končí mým odvozem na záchytku. Nikdy bych nepomyslel, že zde skončím. Na cele samotky buším do dveří a žádám o okamžité propuštění: „Víte, kdo já jsem!“
Po chvilce vztekání upadám do kómatu. Za několik hodin, aspoň tedy myslím, se probouzím, stále pod vlivem a znovu žádám o propuštění. Tentokráte už s prosíkem. V cele mě nechají ještě nekonečné tři hodiny. Začíná mi docházet, co se stalo a v jakém jsem průšvihu. To psycho tří hodiny, kdy nemůžu odejít a trýzní mě pocit studu, hanby, viny, výčitek a částečné ztráty paměti, je prvním trestem za špatný konec večírku.
Konečně mě pouští. Dostávám na cestu milou složenku za pobyt a instrukci, kde si můžu vyzvednout auto. Na sběrném parkovišti mi ho rádi oproti šeku za odtah předají. Vydávám se směr domov. Přemýšlím, co řeknu rodičům. „Ta ostuda.“ Morální kocovinu s následky považuji za tu nejhorší. (Hlavně, když se vás drží mnoho dní.) Ani mě nenapadne (mám plnou hlavu myšlenek, jak to doma vysvětlím), že při běžné silniční kontrole bych asi ještě (hned druhý trest) nadýchal nějaké promile zbytkového alkoholu, protože po včerejším „výkonu“ by to byl stejně lehký odvar.
Někdy k večeru po návštěvě policejní služebny a seznámením s protokolem mně začínají s úplným vystřízlivěním docházet budoucí následky. Musím se vypořádat s majitelem odřeného vozu, protože pojišťovna při alkoholu nehradí, a ještě by mi (potažmo tátovi) zvýšili pojistné. A co víc – hrozí mi zákaz řízení. Majitel odřeného vozu byl vstřícný mladý kluk, který po zjištění okolností nehody vyčíslil hodnotu své maximálně deseti tisícové škody na sedmdesát tisíc. Zaplatil jsem a ani neceknul.
Ztráta řidičáku se zdála být největším problémem. Přeci jen jsem jezdil na závody autem po celé Evropě a denně dojížděl z vesnice do města. Tou dobou, se naštěstí pro mě, jednalo o přestupek a ne o trestný čin. Hrozil mi zákaz řízení na dva roky ve správním řízení. Známosti tehdy na přestupky s alkoholem už nefungovaly, tak jsem sklesle vyhlížel termín svého řízení.
Náhodou vyprávím svůj příběh u kamaráda v baru, když mi přistane z hůry „spása“. Jeden jeho „dobrý známý“ mně nabídne možnost vyměnit laboratorní protokol s výsledkem testu alkoholu v krvi, pokud by byl příliš vysoký. Chvíli váhám, ale jeho nabídku za nějaké „všimné“ přijímám. Netrvá ani týden a leží přede mnou originál protokolu, kde poprvé vidím naměřených jedna celá pět promile. Přes výčitky svědomí, jsem mu vděčný a děkuji za jeho verzi s nula celá čtyři zaručujících pouze peněžitou pokutu bez zákazu řízení.
Nastává den „D“. Obleču si nejlepší oblek a vyrážím směr úřad. (Jedu samozřejmě autem.) V duchu si přehrávám možný průběh a přemáhá mě nervozita. Uklidňuji se, že za nula čtyři se dává jen pokuta. Pokorně vcházím, protože se stydím hned dvakrát. Čeká mě milý úředník oceňující moje společenské pojetí schůzky. Náš rozhovor uvádí slovy: „Tak se na to podíváme, co s tím můžeme udělat.“ Tiše kývnu a čekám. „Dva celá šedesát dva promile je opravdu hodně,“ pronese s trpkým úsměvem. Okamžitě mi ztuhla krev v žilách, vyschlo v puse na úroveň Sahary bez deště po celé století a srdce vyskakuje ven z hrudníku. Během vteřiny mně vše dochází. Můj podvod byl podvod. Dobře mi tak. Vyfásnul jsem za slušnost (asi za ten oblek a tentokráte bez keců) dvacet měsíců a další pokutu.
Následující rok přinesl díky ztrátě řidičáku spoustu neopakovatelných zážitků. Na každý závod vyvstala potřeba řidiče. Obvolával jsem kamarády, aby si se mnou udělali placený výlet do Itálie, Švýcarska, Rakouska, Německa a dalších evropských zemí. Byla to zábava, ale zároveň dost drahý špás. Celá ta „sranda“ mě stála většinu vydělaných peněz z Key Westu. Po polovině trestu mi podmínečně řidičák vrátili a já si ho od té doby nesmírně cením. Děkuji za dvě lekce v jedné – potrestaný podvodník a vyučený machr.
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